Thailand went from bottom bunk to top table in the fight against HIV/Aids in the 90s, due mainly to the pre, mid and post coital exertions of a man they nicknamed Mr Condom.
Condom, for cunning linguists, is Tung Yang or ‘bag rubber’ in Thai. Now I’m not taking sides but I’d rather be called Mr Condom than Mr Tung Yang any day of the week. In fact, I imagine it would be quite cool being Mr Condom: think of all the parties you would be taken to.
The rumour mill, and therefore unconfirmed, has it that Mr Condom’s wife, was none too happy with the success of her husband as she inherited the title Lady Femidom: she didn’t get out much but when she did she’d been known to shoot across the room at the most inopportune moments.
I’ve never met the kids but I’ve heard that their gangly 17-year-old daughter, Ribbed, and her 16-year-old brother, Fitted, are the butt of all the jokes at school.
All busy in the office, all fear and loathing at home, so it seems. It can’t help with Dad swinging around town a like a full on prophylactic while mum and the kids get brewer’s droop, metaphorically speaking of course, at the mere mention of the little lifesavers.
Now it appears that Mr Condom’s message is being ignored again. Maybe he’s just burnt out from too many late nights. Maybe Mrs Femidom has grounded him? I don’t know. What I do know though, because I read the papers, is that HIV is on the rise again.
I suspect the figures may actually be worse than my reliable daily broadsheet lets on as well. They must be pretty drastic for the government to not only spend some money but also risk corrupting the good morals of the nation by talking about … it’s almost even too horrible to write … sex.
The latest TV ad shows a young man walk into a convenience store to buy some condoms. It appears to be his first time for everything: sex, condoms and acting.
The ad reminds me of a joke we used to giggle at when we were 11 or 12 years old:
A young man walks into a chemist to buy some condoms. He walks up to the counter, takes a deep breath and … the doorbell rings as a new customer walks into the shop. “I’d like a pair of tweezers,” our hero exhales. The shop assistant hands him a pair of tweezers; he pays and walks out. He waits round the corner until he sees the customer leave, then heads back into the shop, determined to get what he set out for. He walks straight to the counter, and says … the delivery boy enters the shop from the store room … “I’d like a lollipop,” our hero stumbles at the final hurdle. The shop assistant looks at him a bit strangely but hands him a lollipop and takes his money. He walks out of the shop. By now, our virgin soldier is almost ready to go over the top. He needs to be braver than he’s ever been in his life. He scratches his crutch, sniffs and storms back into the shop, marches double time to the counter, pushes a couple of old ladies out of his way and demands .. "A packet of condoms." “Make your mind up love,” says the visibly annoyed shop assistant. “What do you want to do? Pluck it, suck it or f*@k it?”
Well this is pretty much the thrust of the new Thai campaign, give or take the odd ‘F’ word and the pushing around of old ladies.
